Don't ever stop!

     I have been avidly avoiding posting on here lately. A few people have asked me why I go so long without posting, and I always claim to be too busy. Well that's a load of crap, because I'm never busy. The truth is, I'm lazy. And I've been somewhat ashamed because I haven't been keeping up with what I've said I'm going to do.
     I am probably the most lazy person I have ever met. There are days that I sleep in until 1:00 in the afternoon, and all day long I lay around texting people, playing xbox, and watching court shows.
                                     
 I spend HOURS scrolling through Facebook and Instagram. I'm too lazy to even fold my laundry, let alone get up and exercise. I go to bed at like 10, and I lay there playing games on my phone until 2am. I kept telling myself that it's gonna change when I start working. I have myself convinced that I'm only that lazy because I'm unemployed. But who am I kidding? Even when I was working, the ONLY difference was that I went to work and sat around for 5 hours before going home to play Xbox.
     At the beginning of the month I was scrolling through some pictures of friends on Instagram and seeing their changes in lifestyles. One of my biggest motivations is seeing other people's success; not just anyone, but people I know. My biggest inspiration is Justine. I'm more than envious of her, and I always have been. We were friends in elementary school, but as we got older we went out separate ways the way most friends do. I was always jealous that she had more friends than I did, she was prettier than me, and skinnier and blah blah blah. Then after high school she moved away and the next thing I know, she's super hot. WTF? Not even fair. I see her pictures, and while I'm incredibly happy for her, I couldn't be more jealous! So I think to myself, "She was beautiful before! Why does she think she needs to be thinner? If she thought SHE was fat, what must she think of me? I'm disgusting. Fuck it! If she can lose 30lbs and be that hot, why can't I lose 60lbs and be twice as hot?" (Obviously not twice in comparison to her, but twice as hot in comparing us to our old selves, if that makes sense).
     After seeing Justine's success is when I REALLY started cracking down! I've been mentally ready to make lifestyle changes before, but physically I just wasn't having it. My mind said that I could exercise, but my body said no. My mind said, "I don't like pizza and soda THAT much. I can go without", but my taste buds said, "You're a liar Kenna, eat the damn pizza! And go for seconds!"
     When October began, I started looking into different workout challenges. In previous attempts to get thinner I started too big. I have started the Insanity workout more times than I can count, and I never finish it because F U Shawn T. It worked for me once, but I can't stick with it anymore. I HATE standing in front of a television doing cardio, so I found a couple challenges that I think are working MUCH better for me. It's only been a week, but I feel they are perfect for me.  They are the Couch to 5K challenge, and the 30 day Ab challenge.

When I started these challenges 6 days ago (on October 2nd) I felt like a fat cow. The abs was easy enough (as it should be, I mean, who can't do 5 crunches?), but the jogging kicked my ass. (I started jogging a little bit when I moved here, but I stopped a long time ago and got INCREDIBLY lazy). That first day I walked the 5 minutes, but when it came time to jog 2 minutes, I was unable to finish. I still had another 30 seconds to go on the timer and I just couldn't push any further! I was disgusted with myself. What have I done to myself? Have I really let myself go so badly that I can't even jog at a snails pace for two minutes?? Pathetic! So I pushed harder. Every night since I started, I have done what the schedule says. On the night it says to rest, I went for a long walk with my sister. That way I was still getting off the couch. When it says walk 5, I power walk 5. When it says jog 3, I jogged 3 while singing under my breath to the songs that kept me pushing. And I usually did the jogging part twice before I turned around to walk back home. 

     Six days ago I could not jog two whole minutes. Tonight, I walked my 5 minutes. When it said to jog 4, I jogged 4. And when it said to walk 5 more minutes, I didn't. I kept jogging! Why? Because I could!!! I was still going strong 6 minutes in, and I was feeling on top of the world! Would I win a race at the pace I was going? Only if I was racing a paraplegic who lost his wheelchair, but that didn't matter to me. I jogged today for 9 minutes before I stopped. Even after stopping, it didn't feel like I was about to fall over and die. I felt proud. I have never been so proud of myself in my life. 

     I think getting up and actually doing something is the hardest part about working out. Just getting the motivation. Tonight, I REALLY didn't want to run. Or jog. Or walk. I wanted to go sit in bed and play Bingo on my phone. But I didn't. I thought to myself, "Justine didn't get hot playing Bingo, and neither will I!!"

I see motivational quotes all the time about how it feels good to make progress and blah blah blah, but I didn't believe it. I just wanted to have an end result. I was willing to work hard to get there, but I knew it was going to take a long time, and I don't have that kind of patience. Tonight I realized that goals are stupid. I have no real goal because I am not going to stop. Yes, I want to lose 60 pounds. Yes, I want to be able to run a 5k race without stopping. But when I reach those goals, I'm still not going to stop. I will push myself to do something even more amazing. To me, progressing from a 90 second jog, to a 9 minute one in just a few days is pretty amazing. And tomorrow I will surprise myself again. All of those motivational posters were right. Progress is stupendous!!

     Justine, you were my biggest inspiration. I was both happy and jealous when I saw the changes you have made, and that's what really made me get off my ass and do something about myself. You got me started, but you're not the one keeping me going. I am! After tonight, I realized that my own progress makes me want to push harder than anything else. (I am competitive though, so when I see you drop 30 pounds, it makes me determined to lose 60! lol)
     I don't know how many times I let myself believe I was stuck in this body forever. I gave up a hundred times and just said to myself, "I didn't choose the fat life, the fat life chose me, and I might as well make the best of it". I was SO wrong!! I can change things. I am beautiful how I am, but being in shape is so rewarding!

I have read this a million times, but I always thought it was stupid. I wanted to get thinner (not skinny, cause I like curves, but thinner for sure) and I figured being healthy was an added bonus. WRONG WRONG WRONG!! The pounds that are coming off are the bonus! I love having the energy to get up and go. I love not feeling groggy and lazy after stuffing myself with food. 

The past me would think the present me is dumb. She would disbelieve every word of this, and laugh at me while eating 6 brownies before this was over. The tables have turned and I can't believe how dumb I was in the past. How could I have been so naive?

                                                

So here's a toast (of sparkling apple cider) to Justine! You go girl! Thanks for the inspiration you've given me, and keep on truckin!! And to myself as well. Good job, me!

On another note, I start my new job tomorrow. A job that doesn't require me sitting in an office all day! One that will get me off my butt and that is much more related to the field I want to be in. YAY!

Destiny is for Losers

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't ever lose weight. It's like I was destined to be fat forever. I feel that I try my best and it doesn't do any difference. A few pounds come off but they just come back, and they bring friends. I'm tired of it.Why do I struggle so much?

The past couple years I have been incredibly lazy. I never wanted to work out. I didn't even wanna get off the couch! Why go for a walk when I'm so comfy sitting here playing on Facebook? Even when I had friends to motivate me, I would make up excuses to not work out. Kristie asked me every day to go on a walk with her. And for a few weeks, I did go. But eventually I started making other plans, and LYING about plans just so I didn't have to go for a walk. Part of the reason was because it was so damn hot, I didn't even want to be outside. Most of my problem was that I was just lazy. I just didn't want to do it!

Another problem I have had in the past is a food addiction. I am an EXTREMELY picky eater. I hate just about every vegetable out there, and I dislike most meat. Fruit is great, but I can't say I would prefer to eat an Orange over Sour Patch Kids. If I could eat bread and pasta my whole life, I would.
It wasn't until recently that I've been able to overcome this food addiction. My stomach has shrank drastically, and I have learned when to say no. I have not; however, been able to say no to Pizza. There are just some things I cannot give up. I love soda and pasta! And while I am okay with cutting back, I can't throw it away. And what am I suppose to eat in it's place?

Anyone who prefers this vegetable cauliflower crap over real pizza is just nuts.

There is pretty much never a time in my life that a delicious cheesy pizza doesn't sound good.

For the most part, I am over the food issue. Sometimes I spoil myself, and I still drink soda on a regular basis; although not NEARLY as much as I use to. But I have found some simple things that are helping change my diet a little bit at a time. I read tips here and there on how to enjoy healthy food, and how to find simple replacements.

My laziness is something I still having trouble getting over. Yeah, I work out, but there is just no way that I'm pushing myself as hard as I should be.

I really love this, and I say it to myself over and over, but it's just not enough to keep me going when I feel like quitting. 

Convincing myself to do something has never been more difficult! I want someone to be there pushing to go harder. Someone I don't know personally, and someone I'm not trying to impress. Hiring a trainer is obviously not in the cards, due to my temporary lack of funds, so I'm in a bit of a predicament. Does anyone have tips that will help me push myself harder? I've always been jealous of my brother because he gets to go to MMA everyday. He gets to work out and be pushed hard, and now hes buff. Not fair. Maybe once I've settled in here better, I will start join a gym in which I can learn to fight like he does. 

In the meantime I have taken several small steps to help keep active. I like to stretch at night and in the morning. When I'm laying around watching Breaking Bad, I'll do leg lifts or hold my arms out straight for as long as I can. Sometimes I do silly things, like spend an entire evening lunging anywhere I walk throughout the house. I like to park in the back of the parking lot to get a few extra steps. These things aren't going to burn all my fat away over night, but doing small things like this in addition to a regular workout routine are definitely advantageous.

I'm really getting tired of feeling so lazy. I wish I was one of those people who liked working out. 

Slowly, but surely I am going to be that person. I refuse to believe that this is the body I have to have forever. I cannot be destined to a life in the fat lane! 

Motivation.

Finding motivation is the hardest part of trying to get fit.
I spent the last three years not caring what I looked like. I got fat, my hair always looks like crap, and I rarely wear make up anymore. Occasionally I will go back and look at pictures from high school, and that's when I realize what I've done to myself. I use to look so good! My teeth where whiter than snow, and my hair was so long and beautiful! I didn't have the acne that I have now, and I was all around thinner! It makes me sad seeing what I threw away, so I'm in need of motivation to get me into some healthier habits.

I read somewhere that it's a good idea to find a picture of what you want to look like and refer back to it, that way you've always got a clear image of what you're shooting for. Most people's idea of sexy is like, skinny, big boobs, a nice butt, long hair, blah blah blah. 

Well, that ain't me. And to be honest, I will probably NEVER look like that. Which I'm cool with because I don't wanna be that thin really. I just want to wear a smaller pair of jeans than I wore in high school. And look good in them. Truthfully, if I had to look like a model I would rather look like Tara Lynn or someone curvy like that. 

Nothing against skinny people, but I think curves are more attractive. And no, I don't just say that because I'm fat and I'm bitter about it. Yeah, I am fat, and I most certainly am bitter about it, but even if I was a size two, I would think bigger women are more attractive. Same goes for men. 

I can't say I would complain about nailing a guy that looks like this, but typically men like that don't go for chicks like me, hah. Which I'm actually perfectly fine with because I'm usually into guys that are bigger anyway. I don't know why, I there's just something about a chubby guy that I like lol

But let's face it, most of the chubby guys like the skinny ladies too. Anyway, back to me! I've found that looking at pictures of women who are smaller than me don't really help. Because I will never look like them. Even if I was completely fit and thin, I would look different. So the best way to keep myself motivated is to look at pictures of myself. I start with something recent.

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See, that's gross. But I've stared at myself for so long that I got use to it. After I see my fat self, I look back at skinnier me. 

This picture is a little more suggestive than anything I take these days. I was 16 and sending the picture to my boyfriend at the time. Even then, I wasn't skinny. But I was 70 pounds lighter than I am now. 

Moving on...

I can still bend like that, but it doesn't look as good anymore!

Look at that! I didn't even realize how pointy my face use to be! Now, my head is just a big blob with a mouth. 

So after seeing how pretty I use to be, I go back and look at another fat picture. While this one is hilarious, I look disgusting. 

I am making a promise to myself that by this time next year I will look just as good, if not better than I did in high school. I will NEVER in life be as big as I am today. I keep myself motivated by looking at what I know I can be. I can't imagine myself skinny like Kate Moss, but I can imagine high school Kenna. I know that being that thin is possible because I've already done it!

I'd say it's working well, I'm down 5 pounds since I first started blogging about my weight. Yay me!

Also, another good way to stay motivated is by looking at the success of other ladies I went to school with. They're not inspiration necessarily but I am HIGHLY competitive, and when I see their success it makes me want to do better than them. So a big thank you to all the ladies that lost weight after high school; I probably wouldn't be able to keep myself on this journey if it weren't for you all setting the bar so high!

Five down, sixty-five to go. Look out, here comes sexy!

A job or a career?

Do I want to be an astronaut or a firefighter? My future career has been a frequent subject on my mind lately. What am I going to do with my life? Is there a definite path I want to take? Should I go for something that makes me a lot of money or something that will make me happy? Maybe lots of money will make me happy? They say money can't buy happiness, but it's a lot easier to cry in a Mercedes than a Geo.

I didn't finish college, which is a negative thing to most people. Personally, I think dropping out was one of the best choices I have made in life so far. I made the decision to leave school because it was a waste of my time and money. I was already had a great job that I enjoyed, and at the time I wasn't sure which "career" I wanted to pursue. So why cause myself the extra stress with homework and tuition for a degree I don't want?

In the past few months I have given all of this a lot of extra thought, and I have come to the conclusion that I really do not want a career. Yeah, I want to be a detective, but that's pretty much a pipe dream. You don't just get to sign up and be on Forensic Files the next day. That is a career in which I have to start at the bottom and work my ass off to get to the top. I don't wanna do that. I don't want to go to college for criminal justice, or psychology. I don't want to be stuck with one steady career for my entire working life. I want the opportunity to experience all types of things.

Most people are probably going to think I'm crazy. Why would I want to jump from one job to another? Don't I want something that's going to lead to a successful career, making lots of money? The answer is no. Because to me, money does not equal success. Most people dream of finding an awesome job with great benefits and pays well so they can live comfortably and retire. They go to college, spending tens of thousands of dollars to get a specific degree and then what? Hope you can find a job in your field? Spend the next 30 years paying off student loans? No thank you. People today have it in their minds that if you don't go to college you will be stuck working at McDonald's forever. Without higher education, you will never get anywhere in life. Well, I have something to say to those people. Forget you. Forget all of your judgments and criticism. When I dropped out of school it didn't put me on the road to nowhere. In fact, it opened up the opportunity for an amazing career.

This is definitely not my way of saying you should drop out of school. Because you shouldn't. Enjoy your time being a student. Take advantage of your only worries being homework and finals. I miss learning new things, and some day I will go back to school, not for a degree, but just to listen to lectures and learn things again. Stay in school. Even if you never use your degree, at least you can say you have one!

I was recently given an opportunity for a career that I probably never would have found if I didn't quit school. I applied for what I thought was a receptionist job with an insurance agency. When I went to the interview, I was offered the chance to be an insurance agent. The job would guarantee $4,000 each month, in addition to the several hundred dollars in commission I would make from each policy I sold. This rate would be steady for three years. At the beginning of my fourth year I would become an independent contractor, running my own office and hiring my own staff. I would be making up to $280,000 annually.

How did I land something like that without college? Because I'm impressive, that's how! I have less than two years of work experience, none of which has anything to do with insurance. Although US Bank did teach me many skills that will help with just about any job I would come across, I was only there for a year, so sometimes it's hard to convince people that I have those skills. I have three terms of college under my belt, and I had zero personal connections to anyone relating to this job. All it took was determination. I went in knowing I wanted this job, and I wasn't going to take "no" for an answer.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that you don't need college to make a lot of money, and it's NOT about who you know. It's about working hard, and being able to prove you can in a 20 minute interview. Obviously this doesn't apply to everything. You can't become a surgeon just because you can convince someone you're industrious; go to school!

With all of this in mind, I didn't accept this job. I can hear the criticism already! Why didn't I take it? Did I not read $280k? RETIREMENT!??! I know, I know, but hear me out! Like I said before, money doesn't equal success. I just couldn't imagine myself working as an insurance agent for the next 30 years. The old me would have taken the job in a heart beat. It seems logical - make loads of money, retire by age 47, and have the option to pass down my business to my children. But what good is all of that if I'm not enjoying it?

I went through a mid-life crisis recently (well, hopefully not mid-life), and I realized that I don't have much time left here. The average america woman lives to be what? 80? That means 1/4th of my life is gone. I don't have time to be unhappy! So I'm not going to waste my time on this earth working a boring job for 30 years. I'm tired of being bored and unhappy with my job! I'm ready to grab happiness by the balls! I'm throwing away everyone's opinion that says I need stability. I'm ignoring all of the advertisements for colleges. I'm living my life the way that makes me happiest! Freely :)

So go out there and do what makes you happy! Don't settle for something you're not passionate about just because it'll pay the rent!

New beginnings

I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of feeling winded when I run up the stairs. I’m tired of not finding any clothes that look good on me. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable when I have to sit in a narrow booth at a restaurant. I’m mostly just tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I’m not the first person to feel bad about their weight, and I certainly won’t be the last. I’m also not the first person to tell the world about it over the internet. I don’t know that this will be anything spectacular, and I don’t know how many people are going to read the entire thing, or who will even make it this far. What I do know is that SOMEONE is going to see this, and even if it’s only my mom (hi mom) at least I will have shared my feelings with someone. It’s not often that I share my feelings with anyone at all, so take a few moments to enjoy the things I have to say about myself.
So here’s my beef…

I've certainly never been thin; since middle school I have felt like a whale. Of course I look back now, and I would kill to be that thin again. I was incredibly self-conscious for no good reason, because the truth is, I looked fantastic! It wasn't until recently that I realized just how big I've gotten. I looked at a picture of myself (that someone else took), and it made me want to cry. I always looked in the mirror, and I didn't feel any different than I did 5 years ago. Then I get a good look and I think to myself, “This never use to be this way”. My thighs use to be thick, but sexy. My arms use to be skinny, and now they’re flabby and gross. I use to be able to stand up straight and have a somewhat flat stomach. Now, sucking it in doesn't make a bit of difference.

I suppose part of me didn't care that I was gaining weight. I thought I was ugly and gross anyway, so who cares if it gets worse? But here I am, 70 pounds later, crying in front of my mirror. Most of the time my size doesn't bother me. I’m told every day that I am beautiful, and there are people in my life that don’t care that I’m big. I've never been ridiculed for my weight, and I have never once felt obligated to lose any. The past year; however, I've noticed little things that are obviously affecting my health. I can no longer sprint more than a few yards before I feel winded. I can’t do a single push up. I've started snoring at night, loudly. And I've developed sleep apnea. What I have done to my body is stupid and selfish. I have no excuse for what’s happened to me. I've simply gotten lazy.

I've been slowly losing pounds for about a month now. Since I moved to Sublimity I have made some major changes, not only with my physical habits, but with my mind and spirit too. I have let myself be happier than I have ever been. I have let go of the things (and people) in my life that made me unhappy, I have thrown away old habits that are bad for my physical and mental health, and I've ended my relationship with laziness.

I've thrown away my self-doubt. I am confident. I am beautiful. I am going to be the woman that every girl strives to be. This includes being healthy, sexy (my own version, not society’s), happy, and successful. I’m going to do this in front of the entire world, and I invite you all to watch my progress. Congratulate me, advise me, and criticize me. Tell me exactly what’s on your mind when you read what I have to say.
I am elated to start my journey to a new Kenna. Happy, healthy, successful Kenna.