Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Don't ever stop!

     I have been avidly avoiding posting on here lately. A few people have asked me why I go so long without posting, and I always claim to be too busy. Well that's a load of crap, because I'm never busy. The truth is, I'm lazy. And I've been somewhat ashamed because I haven't been keeping up with what I've said I'm going to do.
     I am probably the most lazy person I have ever met. There are days that I sleep in until 1:00 in the afternoon, and all day long I lay around texting people, playing xbox, and watching court shows.
 I spend HOURS scrolling through Facebook and Instagram. I'm too lazy to even fold my laundry, let alone get up and exercise. I go to bed at like 10, and I lay there playing games on my phone until 2am. I kept telling myself that it's gonna change when I start working. I have myself convinced that I'm only that lazy because I'm unemployed. But who am I kidding? Even when I was working, the ONLY difference was that I went to work and sat around for 5 hours before going home to play Xbox.
     At the beginning of the month I was scrolling through some pictures of friends on Instagram and seeing their changes in lifestyles. One of my biggest motivations is seeing other people's success; not just anyone, but people I know. My biggest inspiration is Justine. I'm more than envious of her, and I always have been. We were friends in elementary school, but as we got older we went out separate ways the way most friends do. I was always jealous that she had more friends than I did, she was prettier than me, and skinnier and blah blah blah. Then after high school she moved away and the next thing I know, she's super hot. WTF? Not even fair. I see her pictures, and while I'm incredibly happy for her, I couldn't be more jealous! So I think to myself, "She was beautiful before! Why does she think she needs to be thinner? If she thought SHE was fat, what must she think of me? I'm disgusting. Fuck it! If she can lose 30lbs and be that hot, why can't I lose 60lbs and be twice as hot?" (Obviously not twice in comparison to her, but twice as hot in comparing us to our old selves, if that makes sense).
     After seeing Justine's success is when I REALLY started cracking down! I've been mentally ready to make lifestyle changes before, but physically I just wasn't having it. My mind said that I could exercise, but my body said no. My mind said, "I don't like pizza and soda THAT much. I can go without", but my taste buds said, "You're a liar Kenna, eat the damn pizza! And go for seconds!"
     When October began, I started looking into different workout challenges. In previous attempts to get thinner I started too big. I have started the Insanity workout more times than I can count, and I never finish it because F U Shawn T. It worked for me once, but I can't stick with it anymore. I HATE standing in front of a television doing cardio, so I found a couple challenges that I think are working MUCH better for me. It's only been a week, but I feel they are perfect for me.  They are the Couch to 5K challenge, and the 30 day Ab challenge.

When I started these challenges 6 days ago (on October 2nd) I felt like a fat cow. The abs was easy enough (as it should be, I mean, who can't do 5 crunches?), but the jogging kicked my ass. (I started jogging a little bit when I moved here, but I stopped a long time ago and got INCREDIBLY lazy). That first day I walked the 5 minutes, but when it came time to jog 2 minutes, I was unable to finish. I still had another 30 seconds to go on the timer and I just couldn't push any further! I was disgusted with myself. What have I done to myself? Have I really let myself go so badly that I can't even jog at a snails pace for two minutes?? Pathetic! So I pushed harder. Every night since I started, I have done what the schedule says. On the night it says to rest, I went for a long walk with my sister. That way I was still getting off the couch. When it says walk 5, I power walk 5. When it says jog 3, I jogged 3 while singing under my breath to the songs that kept me pushing. And I usually did the jogging part twice before I turned around to walk back home. 
     Six days ago I could not jog two whole minutes. Tonight, I walked my 5 minutes. When it said to jog 4, I jogged 4. And when it said to walk 5 more minutes, I didn't. I kept jogging! Why? Because I could!!! I was still going strong 6 minutes in, and I was feeling on top of the world! Would I win a race at the pace I was going? Only if I was racing a paraplegic who lost his wheelchair, but that didn't matter to me. I jogged today for 9 minutes before I stopped. Even after stopping, it didn't feel like I was about to fall over and die. I felt proud. I have never been so proud of myself in my life. 
     I think getting up and actually doing something is the hardest part about working out. Just getting the motivation. Tonight, I REALLY didn't want to run. Or jog. Or walk. I wanted to go sit in bed and play Bingo on my phone. But I didn't. I thought to myself, "Justine didn't get hot playing Bingo, and neither will I!!"
I see motivational quotes all the time about how it feels good to make progress and blah blah blah, but I didn't believe it. I just wanted to have an end result. I was willing to work hard to get there, but I knew it was going to take a long time, and I don't have that kind of patience. Tonight I realized that goals are stupid. I have no real goal because I am not going to stop. Yes, I want to lose 60 pounds. Yes, I want to be able to run a 5k race without stopping. But when I reach those goals, I'm still not going to stop. I will push myself to do something even more amazing. To me, progressing from a 90 second jog, to a 9 minute one in just a few days is pretty amazing. And tomorrow I will surprise myself again. All of those motivational posters were right. Progress is stupendous!!
     Justine, you were my biggest inspiration. I was both happy and jealous when I saw the changes you have made, and that's what really made me get off my ass and do something about myself. You got me started, but you're not the one keeping me going. I am! After tonight, I realized that my own progress makes me want to push harder than anything else. (I am competitive though, so when I see you drop 30 pounds, it makes me determined to lose 60! lol)
     I don't know how many times I let myself believe I was stuck in this body forever. I gave up a hundred times and just said to myself, "I didn't choose the fat life, the fat life chose me, and I might as well make the best of it". I was SO wrong!! I can change things. I am beautiful how I am, but being in shape is so rewarding!
I have read this a million times, but I always thought it was stupid. I wanted to get thinner (not skinny, cause I like curves, but thinner for sure) and I figured being healthy was an added bonus. WRONG WRONG WRONG!! The pounds that are coming off are the bonus! I love having the energy to get up and go. I love not feeling groggy and lazy after stuffing myself with food. 
The past me would think the present me is dumb. She would disbelieve every word of this, and laugh at me while eating 6 brownies before this was over. The tables have turned and I can't believe how dumb I was in the past. How could I have been so naive?

So here's a toast (of sparkling apple cider) to Justine! You go girl! Thanks for the inspiration you've given me, and keep on truckin!! And to myself as well. Good job, me!

On another note, I start my new job tomorrow. A job that doesn't require me sitting in an office all day! One that will get me off my butt and that is much more related to the field I want to be in. YAY!

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