Monday, September 9, 2013

New beginnings

I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of feeling winded when I run up the stairs. I’m tired of not finding any clothes that look good on me. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable when I have to sit in a narrow booth at a restaurant. I’m mostly just tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I’m not the first person to feel bad about their weight, and I certainly won’t be the last. I’m also not the first person to tell the world about it over the internet. I don’t know that this will be anything spectacular, and I don’t know how many people are going to read the entire thing, or who will even make it this far. What I do know is that SOMEONE is going to see this, and even if it’s only my mom (hi mom) at least I will have shared my feelings with someone. It’s not often that I share my feelings with anyone at all, so take a few moments to enjoy the things I have to say about myself.
So here’s my beef…

I've certainly never been thin; since middle school I have felt like a whale. Of course I look back now, and I would kill to be that thin again. I was incredibly self-conscious for no good reason, because the truth is, I looked fantastic! It wasn't until recently that I realized just how big I've gotten. I looked at a picture of myself (that someone else took), and it made me want to cry. I always looked in the mirror, and I didn't feel any different than I did 5 years ago. Then I get a good look and I think to myself, “This never use to be this way”. My thighs use to be thick, but sexy. My arms use to be skinny, and now they’re flabby and gross. I use to be able to stand up straight and have a somewhat flat stomach. Now, sucking it in doesn't make a bit of difference.
I suppose part of me didn't care that I was gaining weight. I thought I was ugly and gross anyway, so who cares if it gets worse? But here I am, 70 pounds later, crying in front of my mirror. Most of the time my size doesn't bother me. I’m told every day that I am beautiful, and there are people in my life that don’t care that I’m big. I've never been ridiculed for my weight, and I have never once felt obligated to lose any. The past year; however, I've noticed little things that are obviously affecting my health. I can no longer sprint more than a few yards before I feel winded. I can’t do a single push up. I've started snoring at night, loudly. And I've developed sleep apnea. What I have done to my body is stupid and selfish. I have no excuse for what’s happened to me. I've simply gotten lazy.

I've been slowly losing pounds for about a month now. Since I moved to Sublimity I have made some major changes, not only with my physical habits, but with my mind and spirit too. I have let myself be happier than I have ever been. I have let go of the things (and people) in my life that made me unhappy, I have thrown away old habits that are bad for my physical and mental health, and I've ended my relationship with laziness.

I've thrown away my self-doubt. I am confident. I am beautiful. I am going to be the woman that every girl strives to be. This includes being healthy, sexy (my own version, not society’s), happy, and successful. I’m going to do this in front of the entire world, and I invite you all to watch my progress. Congratulate me, advise me, and criticize me. Tell me exactly what’s on your mind when you read what I have to say.
I am elated to start my journey to a new Kenna. Happy, healthy, successful Kenna. 

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